How will we get them to listen and to keep on listening?
Yes, today, my lovelies it’s all about parenting! Have we the nerve to actually carry it through?
I mean, the professionals say, don’t threaten if you’re not actually going to do what you just say.
So you see, in recent weeks I have had to start listening to what I actually say to the kids! Often in the heat of the moment, when we are frustrated beyond belief, we rattle off some threats, don’t really hear what we’ve just said, stomp about, slam some car doors, and it is almost as if, as soon as we’ve uttered the threat, it’s gone! What on earth did I just say I would do?
You rack your brain but don’t always manage to capture back that sentence,that threat, that speech bubble that’s already drifted up and away, out of reach so you can no longer grab it back.
What on earth did we just say we’d do if they didn’t do x y and z?
So I am trying to button it, be calm, and actually listen to what I say and hear every word of what they say back.
The professionals say if you lose it, get angry, snap and shout, you’ve lost.
Well that happens a lot too. There are days, times, weekends when I do shout alot *shifts uncomfortably in chair*.
Do you ever get those moments in time? OK days in time then? When you are so pre-occupied with who knows what, your mind never really seems to be on anything?
Well I seem to be in one of those phases, so many decisions to make, so many choices, and so much clutter in my brain. I am so pre-occupied I never seem to hear a complete sentence. I just switch off, or as my oldest says “zone out”! Did their sentence just peeter out or did I stop listening?So does tough love actually work?Today was a great example and yes, I will admit it! I am quite chuffed with my performance, with my calm, cool behaviour. I did not raise my voice once.
I made it clear there would be no lifts to the bus stop today. I made that quite clear, in a calm voice, as soon as the darlings awoke from their sleepiness this morning.
I then busied myself with preparing the lunch boxes for the day. (If you need ideas, hop over here for inspiration!)
We shall see later if tough love has worked or not.
The older two departed on foot to their prospective bus stops. No car required. Tick in the box for me.
The following events then all centred around this PE kit bag…
The phone went at 0745am and the conversation went something like this:
“Hello?!”
“Hi Mummy! I’ve forgotten my PE kit. Can you drive it in to school for me?”
“Are you on the bus?”
“Yes, I’m on the bus, but can you bring my kit to me?”
“What now?”
“Yeah!”
“Sorry but I have to get King Julien to school, then I have a meeting. What time is PE?”
“Third period”
“What does that mean? What time is that?”
“1130am”
“Sorry Spike. You will have to borrow some kit. I can’t bring it in”
“Oh…”
“See if you can borrow some from lost property. Talk to your teacher. You’ll have to ask your mates or be creative!”
Click
The phone line goes dead…
I replace the receiver and carry on making the youngest’s packed lunch… I desperately try not to think any more about it.
Trouble is, ever since the call, I have felt incredibly guilty. Should I drive it to him? It is after all 20 minutes down the motorway, at top speed, so it is not that close by, nor handy. It would take an hour round trip.
If I do take it to him, how will he learn?
And yes, I do have that meeting to attend.
The policy at the oldest’s school is they will refuse to take anything in at reception, if a parent brings it in. Yes, it is tough love, but how else should you handle it?
What would you do?
He is 12 years old by the way…
So what do you do? Does tough love work for you?
What parenting dilemma’s have you had?
Tough Love Parent / The Lunch Box Lady x
We have reminders before we leave the house on what we need to take in and even though I'm only a two minute walk away if it's forgotten that's it. The only exception I make is for homework, which I will take up when I pick them up from school they did do the work after all.
I don't think it is tough love, I think it's called parenting.
I know, you're right Pippa but I know it'll most likely mean he misses sport, and he loves his sport. But I am sure he won't ever forget again! xx
Oh I've been here, so many times! I always opt for tough love and feel incredibly guilty about it (like you). I have not taken in a PE kit, packed lunch or dinner money before, they always find a way, somehow! My daughter is also 12 and this has been a regular occurence but it does get more sporadic, I think (hope!) she's learning. Parenting is hard full stop. I am finding it incredibly hard, the older they get. My 11 year old is proving particularly challenging right now!
you are so right! Parenting is definitely getting tougher the older they get. There are so many demands on the kids, the older they get first and foremost. Two there are so many distractions (screen time) to divert them away from homework and so on. It is really tough at the moment! Youngest is due to take 11+ in September, middle one just started secondary school and the oldest is taking two GCSE's one year early, so it is hard! Any other tips you have to share as to what works? x
I"m a bit of a softie – only in this respect. I have taken PE kits in three times in the past three weeks and I guess the more I do it, the more it will happen.
Also constantly struggling to get all three to snack less on rubbish, help around the house and read books or play in stead of tuning out in front of a screen. Any tips very welcome.
I do not think that you acted in any way that could be described as "tough love" – you gave him a reason for your decision and gave him options to try (borrow something etc). You would have to go out of your way to bring that PE kit (an hour drive at top speed!?) and in the end would have missed your own appointment. This would only teach your kids that your own interest and work are worth less than nothing if they can be canceled at random. If this were a case of live-or-die you surely would have made a different choice but this is not the case…
You did not punish him for anything and all he got were the natural consequences of his behaviour. Hopefully this will teach him to check his stuff twice before leaving.
You did not act to spoil his day or try to be mean. Had this been your husband calling back to ask if you could bring him his lunch bag, you would have said "I do not have the time, get a hotdog today" and not felt guilty about it. So why do we moms always fall into that guilt trap when it comes to our kids? I know I do – because I take their needs more serious than my own and I think this is wrong.
Let us know the outcome of your day….
And DON´T FEEL BAD about this!!!!
Well, the outcome is quite an interesting one. He obviously put the phone down on me, as he was so annoyed, then started to be creative. He asked around the bus for spare kit he could borrow… From his two bus buddies, he borrowed socks, trainers and shorts, and from lost property he borrowed the basketball top… So you see it all worked out, but the question remains whether he has actually learnt from this? Time will tell… Is he going to be one of those lucky chaps, where however he falls, he always lands on his two feet? A bit like a cat with nine lives? I will keep you posted! Now back to the issues with the youngest reluctant homeworker/prepping for his 11+… this will have to be another post: how to get a reluctant reader/homeworker to nuckle down when you know they can actually achieve but where something is stopping them! Thanks x
Well what kind of works for us is: no wii or games in the week. Only weekends. I have actually confiscated the wii this week and other screens. They don't need the distractions. Trying to get into a routine where they come home, healthy snack, drink then on to homework/music practice. Then dinner, then time for play/relaxation. A tidy room means pocket money for my guys. No tidy room, no pocket money. I feel they need to earn it, and it could be easy money if they keep on top of it. Funnily enough, the youngest keeps his room the tidiest. He is LEGO crazy and is keen to save, then buy all he can! Star charts might work for you/rewards for doing jobs etc. Let me know how you get on! x
I can totally relate to this! I used to give in to my son's every request especially when it comes to things like this but as time passed, it became more and more frequent and I knew that it had to stop. I talked to him about it and I told him that I'm not going to do it anymore. You should not tolerate behaviors like this because it will make your child be very dependent on you and that's not a good thing. You should teach him to be more responsible (in this case, preparing all the stuff he needs before going to sleep). Besides, it's for his own good. Don't feel bad about it because you are doing the right thing.